Causes of Divorce: Stop Blaming it on Women!

Divorced WomenI am a Lebanese woman living in hell since I divorced. “Social hell” if I can label it this way… Lebanese society is of course diverse, still, its perception of divorced women is archaic and sexist. Women are usually blamed for a failed marriage: “she could have prevented it”, “she did not sacrifice enough”, “how could she do it when there are kids?”, “poor man, she must have a lover”, “she is a bitch”, “she can’t have children, this is why he left her”, “his mistress is far more exciting”, “he is man, he has needs”, “she can’t make him happy”…

Divorced women are seen as unwanted and pitiable, or whores! All divorced women are not just oversexed vixens looking for a quick one-nighter without a name!

As I see it, stereotypes about women’s roles and behavior totally obscure the driving forces that can split a marriage. I think it’s about time to deconstruct a binary universe where wives are tasked with creating intimacy in the home and men are emotionally deficient beings who require their guidance. What we hear less often is straight talk about the social and economic factors that drive the engine of divorce. When people are struggling to pay the rent and keep a roof over their heads, the marriage problem isn’t likely to be some kind of deficiency in managing intimacy. Given the fact that divorce is expensive and often leaves women financially insecure, the stressors would have to be pretty severe to lead women of few resources to divorce.

What about getting in for the wrong reasons – marrying for money, or marrying because it’s what you think you should do? What about lack of individuality – a codependent relationship is not healthy? And becoming lost in the roles – most parents soon neglect or completely forget that they are a couple?

What about not having shared vision of success (savers versus spenders)? Change in the Intimacy department? Unmet expectations? Being out of touch? Different priorities and interests? Inability to resolve conflicts? Families’ interferences? Inauthenticity (How many times do you catch yourself saying “yes” when you really mean “no?” Do you say, “I don’t know” for fear of being judged, dismissed or rejected? When we systematically accept things against our will, shut down to keep the peace and rationalize why that’s okay, we set ourselves up for resentment and anger down the line)? Incongruence (Most of our communication is non-verbal, and when it’s out of sync with our words, we are sending mixed messages. No wonder couples argue, get frustrated and eventually tune each other out!)? Win-lose attitude?

“I can’t help but think that I would much rather be seen for the reality of who I am, rather than the myth of endless women who have paraded their wares before me at a much lower price”.

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10 Comments

  1. Divorce is a painful process and reality. Men and women are damaged – emotionally, psychologically, … – because of this process. Children too… However, they are more damaged in an unhealthy relation.

  2. The need to control can be overpowering and when people cannot admit fault and apologize, they will drive others away by their behavior. In marriage this need is amplified and can cause ongoing arguments and frustration. In her book, “Excess Baggage” (Penguin Books, 2004), Judith Sills describes some of the effects of the need to control and how to address the problem. Signs of marriage partners who control include the following:
    The tendency to over-plan.
    Careers that center around rightness and details such as lawyer, engineer, computer analyst and publisher.
    Extreme responsibility with money.
    Always doing a good job when organizing things.
    Not afraid of hard work.
    Feeling secure by being in control.
    Paying attention to detail.
    The need to be right in every situation.
    Needless to say, men and women married to someone who needs to control everything can end up feeling demoralized and worthless as they lose argument after argument. They also feel their dreams and desires are not worth anything compared to the dominant partner’s.
    While the need and ability to control has positive aspects, it also has a number of negative results. The spouse with the problem may struggle to see what is happening although it is obvious to all those around.
    The person is perpetually tired and drained.
    Fun becomes work.
    It is difficult to make wise judgements – trivial things are made into huge things.
    It interferes with love and relationship.
    Inability to relax and take time out to do nothing.
    Depression and emotional paralysis occur when plans don’t work out.
    Perfectionism.
    In marriage, one partner is generally more dominant than the other. If this person is a controller, it can cause fighting and upset and leave the other spouse feeling unworthy. The best way to break the control habit is by making a conscious decision to pass some control on to the spouse – even if he or she doesn’t do a perfect job of it.

  3. Thank you all !! And thank you Red Lips High Heels for this opportunity to tell my story and point of view.

  4. I’m really glad I have found this info. Today bloggers publish only about gossips and web and this is really annoying. A good site with exciting content, that’s what I need. Thanks for keeping this website, I’ll be visiting it. Do you do newsletters? Cant find it.

  5. C’est vrai que le divorce a plusieurs causes et il est malheureux que la femme doit en payer le prix dans nos sociétés. Il est grand temps de dénoncer les stéréotypes et les injustices.

  6. Its excellent as your other content : D, thankyou for posting . “History is a pact between the dead, the living, and the yet unborn.” by Edmund Burke.

  7. the truth is that if most women nowadays wouldn’t CHEAT, marriages would last a very long time.

    1. 1) So marriage is a woman’s responsibility? It’s a mutual responsibility!
      2) One should look at the causes for cheating before judging others.
      3) Men and women cheat, still, worldwide statistics show that men are more likely to cheat – higher percentages.
      4) A high percentage of broken marriages is relative to domestic violence not cheating.

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